September 28, 2012

Slava P prefers The Dillinger Escape Plan. By default.

Out of all the white rappers trying to make a name for themselves, Machine Gun Kelly may be my least favorite. Maybe it’s because he takes himself too seriously. Maybe because Diddy signed him. Maybe it’s because he reminds me of a younger and somehow angrier Fred Durst. Maybe it’s all of them. Above all, I dislike MGK because he reminds me so much of my friends.

Kellz is that guy at the high school house party in the basement of a nice two-bedroom bungalow, trying to start a cypher alone in the basement. His voice is abrasive and his cadence is downright militaristic at times. If white rappers were flavors of frozen yogurt, Machine Gun Kelly would be chewing tobacco.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen MGK live and he puts on a good performance. It’s just unfortunate that he’s performing unlikeable songs. A person can only take so many rap-tales filled with teenage angst about growing up in America’s Canada: Cleveland. Plus, how long until he runs out of content to keep his core fans happy? It’s kind of hard to write relatable struggle raps when you’re on tour with Rick Ross. MGK has a strict “no-sunglasses” policy, Rick Ross has a different pair of sunglasses for every time he switches between appetizers and entrees.

While taking his blue-collar rap schtick overseas, MGK stopped by what appears to be the spare bedroom at Tim Westwood’s mom’s house to drop a “freestyle” over Jay-Z’s Izzo and Eminem’s Role Model. Everything about it is average. Here is a second-by-second breakdown:

0:13: Is “no green screen” the new “no written”?
0:25: Have you ever seen someone less excited to rap? Don’t answer that Tim.
0:39: Don’t tease me. Either you “let it breathe” or you don’t.
0:49: For those keeping score at home, that’s K-E-LL-S from H-E-LL-S
0:51: Amazing how Tim Westwood is still the least likeable person on the screen at all times.
1:00: Machine Gun Kelly and his friends would like to sell you some soap when you come to town.
1:04: Suck a diznick Romney!! Save the politics talk for Lupe.
1:15: A There’s Something About Mary punchline about balls in a zipper. Mature.
1:29: Shouldn’t you know when your album goes on sale? Diddy doesn’t tell you anything.
1:41: Be careful not to get MGK confused for Van Halen. Happens more often than you’d think.
1:52: Repeating what you just said does not make it sound any better. That goes for you too, Big Sean.
2:09: A+ for Westwood for being a pro and feigning interest
2:22: The haters are a dangling microphone? Freud might have something to say about that, Kellz.
2:36: After saying that you’d want to fuck his daughter, the least you can do is acknowledge that Eminem can rap.
2:44: Make it hard for it to walk? What does that even mean?
2:55: Yeah, I’m done here.
3:48: Oh, right, he can rap fast-ish. Sometimes. Kinda.
4:07: I’m happy I watched long enough to see Westwood go in for the double-daps.

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